Days like this... (an update on life as a SAHM)

Okay, it's no secret that I absolutely LOVE me some Van Morrison (and this happens to be one of my top 6 Van Morrison songs).  But this seems to be my life right now.  I think that I really enjoy being a SAHM.  But there are days when I don't know if it's the right thing for the kids.  Crazy?  Maybe.

I had such big dreams and aspirations on how our days were going to look.  Wanna know what I say about that?  Ha!  I know that Finn & Fish love staying home with their mom.  But there are days where I don't know if I'm the best thing for them.  Let me explain...

Finn came from a daycare where she had constant interaction with other kids her age.  They said at daycare that she was a pretty quiet girl who always did what was asked of her.  That is SOOOO not the kid that is with me right now.  She struggles with me daily.  I'm the heavy and tell her "no" a lot of the time.  There are struggles for candy before noon.  There are struggles for nap time (in fact, today it took us almost 90 minutes for her to fall asleep).  I want to be the free-lovin' hippie mom that I had envisioned before getting knee deep into diapers and toddler tantrums.  I actually had the thought today that if my manager offers me my old/new position that I should jump at the chance so that Finn can get some routine back into her life.

Our house seems to be constantly in shambles.  This is something that has been eluded to before -- I like a neat house.  I know those that read this will just say that when you have kids, you can't have the tidy house that you would like.  Well, I'm a SAHM -- I feel like I should have a tidy house because I have the extra time to make sure that my floors are clean and the dishes done.  But holy shit, where does the day go?  If the baby isn't crying, then the toddler is.  I try to clean up here and there, but wow, this is exhausting.  I don't think surviving the day is hard (although there have been a day or two where it seriously was a countdown to five o'clock somewhere and beer was cracked).

The scientist will come home and ask what we did all day and where we went.  On the days where we didn't go anywhere, he said that Finn really needs to make friends.  And then another day after being told that we didn't go anywhere, he said "Wow, you must be getting bored!"  But the fact was it was the end of the week and my weekly chore list wasn't even half done.  I don't get bored as there is always something to clean or someone crying. 

And then there is the friend situation -- for me.  I have realized that I'm quite excellent at making acquaintance, but quite terrible at making new friends.  I don't like the awkwardness that is in the beginning.  The "should I ask for her number"?  "What is she says no or is only giving it to me because she feels obligated?"  Let me tell you -- making mommy-friends is a lot like dating.  If you are really looking for a relationship, it blows.  But if you are just playing the field, it's a lot of fun.  It started as playing the field, but now with the scientist's comment about Finn having friends, I feel like I need to find a relationship.

But I love being a SAHM.  I know that I am trying my best and there are days where I just sit there and smile at my kids, knowing that I am truly lucky to be able to be home with them.  I guess the whole meat of this post is that I'm beginning to question "am I doing this right by my kids?"  Or would it be better if I made the $$ to keep them "at school" as we call it.  I don't doubt that I'm a good mom and my patience has actually increased by leaps and bounds since being home with them.  But I'm starting to feel really insecure about the fact that I don't have any friends who have babies or toddlers that I can socialize my kids with.   I don't remember having playdates with other kids when I was little and I think that I turned out fine.  But then again -- now that I think about it -- my neighbor was exactly my age and we were best friends growing up. 

So I guess -- just one.  That's all I need to find.  Just a best friend for my little girl.  And it wouldn't help if her mom was my kind of girl either.  Sending positive vibes into the cosmos to send a cool mom-daughter-son trio my way.  I have a big playset and beer on tap.  Anyone?  Anyone?  :)

Postpartum Bumpdate: 13 weeks

Yes, it's still called a "bump"date, because apparently, I still look pregnant.  I was asked at a Kentucky Derby party last weekend if I was expecting (more on that later).  So here we are...  Lookin' eerily similar to 7 weeks ago.  Ugh.  Just ugh.

• I'm happy to report that I have lost weight.  I am down down 34 pounds of the 47 that I gained with Fish.  But that means that I still have 13 pounds left to go.
• I am also happy to report that I was able to get into my biggest pair of jeans.  But they still aren't for daylight wear (meaning they won't see the light of day yet).  They were smackass tight, like 70s-style lay-down-on-the-bed-to-zip-up (although I didn't have to lay down to zip them) tight and if I bent my torso the slightest degree, the big Mom muffin top popped out over the waistband.  The Scientist (God bless his little soul) said that they looked great and he couldn't understand why I was changing out of them that morning.
• As mentioned, I went to a Kentucky Derby party this past weekend -- with Derby attire required.  That meant that I had to scour through my dresses to find some that was suitable and large enough.  I found a red jersey one that stretched and put on control top pantyhose -- but still felt like a 10 pound sausage in a 5 pound casing.  I had made that exact comment to my friend (the hostess) and someone asked me how far along I was.  Yikes.
• Unfortunately, I don't get much longer to hide my skin.  The weather is starting to get gorgeous and with that means less clothes.  I'm excited to gain a little bit of a tan (I am Patty Pasty right now).  And a photo was taken at the above mentioned Derby party and sent out to everyone -- you could spot me from across the room from the glare of my ghostly white skin.  I always amazes me how much my skin looses its pigmentation during the winter months.  But its time to bust out the self-tanners to give myself a little glow before I can get the natural stuff working. 
• In the exercise front, I went walking/running on Monday morning.  I was scheduled for another run on Wednesday morning, but it was raining.  Maybe I'll try to bust a move this evening (or just make up the run over the weekend.
• Also, I have given myself a goal of two weeks to get my hair done, my initial pedicure completed and to begin the bronzing process.  A rejuvenation of sorts!  Stay tuned!

A new chapter

So I went ahead and did it.  Take this job and shove it...

After much consideration and some serious flip-flopping, I've become a stay-at-home-mom (often referred to as SAHM).  It was probably the most difficult decision I've ever made in my life.  Moving across the country at 23 to live with a dude that I had only physically spent a total of 20 days with wasn't even this difficult.  Cool your jets -- my parents (and brother, aunt & uncle) moved me the 1,000 miles (although I'm pretty sure that was THEIR most difficult decision) and the dude that I had spoke on the phone daily (sometimes multiple times if I was drinking that night -- I don't know how he put up with me.  Any girl that calls you multiple times drunk to have you "walk" her home for fear of rabid raccoons is clearly a nut-job.) for over a year and has since become my husband (The Scientist).

To say that I'm scared would be an understatement.  I'm not sure how we are going to make it work.  On paper, everything looks great.  But sometimes reality doesn't always follow what's on paper. 

Now I really didn't "shove" my job -- although I totally would have if the doctor would have been my supervisor.  But my old supervisor said that there might be a position identical to the one that I just quit opening up in a couple of months.  She asked if I would be interested in it.  A little back story -- I worked with a severely difficult doctor -- so difficult that all three of the coordinators that worked with him have either quit (two of us) or are interviewing for another position (the third and she will likely get the job leaving him with NO coordinators) and my supervisor understands how difficult he was.  My supervisor manages multiple centers within the clinic and it is frowned upon for one center to "steal" a coordinator from the other.  So I would have never been able to transfer centers.  But now that I quit, I can come back at the same paygrade and with the same benefits if I come back within the year.  I really liked all aspects of my job, just not the doctor (who wouldn't allow me to do my job because I had never done it before).  My supervisor said there would be a part-time position opening as well as a full-time position later in the year.  It's basically my back-up plan. 

My rationale was if this doesn't work, I can always go back to work.  But if I don't at least try it, I know it would be something that I would regret or dream about "what might have been".  I've had some disapproval from my family -- nothing blatant (just a look when I told them the news).  I didn't expect that, but coming from a blue-collar family where everyone had to work to make ends meet, they don't know any different.  They can't understand how I could give up my paycheck.  Part of me feels the same way, so I understand their skepticism. 

I went in to work two weeks ago to clean out my desk and turn in my badge.  Everyone was disappointed I was leaving, but most understood (those who knew the doctor).  I ran into the doctor as well (as my desk was outside his office) and was thankfully saved by a secretary stopping by from having to have the conversation about my decision to stay at home.  (I have a hard time hiding disdain when money isn't on the line.)  So it's official.

I'm also hopeful that my staying at home will allow me the time I need to get back in shape.  My only time to do so (even when working) is either early in the morning or late at night.  I'm an early bird -- so when we get back, I'm going to start my new exercise routine (and also get my poor depressed puppy out of the house as well).  I'm ready to stop being just a mom, which I realized I have become in the last three months and start being me again -- the wife, the friend and just the old me before I had to devote 24 hours a day to a newborn.  Fish is now officially an infant (no longer a newborn) and is showing some of his maturity in not needing to be held constantly and now just MOST of the time - ha. 

We are in Iowa this week (as we were last week), but I have my new calendar system ready, I've contacted my local SAHM group, and I've contacted the library for information on toddler time.  I'm ready to start this SAHM gig!  I'm scared, but also pretty darn excited about what lays in store this summer.

Stream of Consciousness

• 
  Throwback Thursday -- taken about June of last year
  
• I had my postpartum visit with my OB earlier this week.  With Finn in daycare still due to $$ in my FSA account, I took Fish.  (Just quickly, our hospital has an on-call OB.  When you go into labor, you get one of the 25+ OBs on our side of the city.  I was lucky enough to have my OB deliver Finn.  And I was only 8 hours away from having him deliver Fish.  If only, he didn't come so fast...  But he came and visited me in postpartum during a lull in his deliveries.)  Of course, Fish wasn't cooperating and crying.  But my OB is so wonderful that he took Fish out of his carseat and walked him around his offices while I was getting dressed.  Is it weird that I'm really sad that I'm not going to be seeing him again until next year?  In fact, I told him that I was sad I wasn't going to be seeing him on a monthly or weekly basis anymore.  And I told him that I just might make an appointment to visit him during the next 12 months.  I'm really going to miss seeing him so frequently.
• I have started exercising on Monday (today is Thursday) and I've already lost 2 pounds!  I didn't work out on Tuesday due to Fish's toe situation.  My ultimate goal is going to be to work out before the kids gets up in the morning.  But right now with Toegate, he is up daily at around 3pm and usually really fussy & sleeping lightly until about 7am.  Eventually he is going to be sleeping in the morning and I hope to work out at 6am, so that I can shower & get ready while E is still home.  I'm also hoping for the weather to warm so we can get out and walk the dog and kids daily which will help get me moving.  My initial goal weight is only 15 pounds away (which is my pre-pregnancy with Fish weight), which will get me back into my old clothes.  My ultimate goal weight is 10 lighter than that.  And I'll continue to work towards that after I have reached my initial goal.

 

Throwback Thursday -- taken about June of last year

• I'm still back and forth about staying at home or returning to work.  I've decided that I'm going to make a pro/con list for each and hope that subconsciously I am leaning one way.  I think that seeing my return to work date on our household calendar really shocked me and made me realize that I only have four weeks left.  Womp womp.
• I've forgotten what some of the parts of my house look like because it seems like forever since I've been in those rooms.  I used to clean every section of my house at least once a week.  Ha!  There are things that haven't been cleaned in MONTHS!  Once I got to the part of pregnancy where I was too huge to bend over, all the cleaning stopped.  Once Fish gets big enough to sit in a bumbo and entertain himself, I'll be doing some serious deep cleaning.  If I stay home, I've already thought of all the projects that I have mentally listed that I wanted to finish this summer.

 

Throwback Thursday -- June of last year

One of my favorite videos of all time 

• One of those projects?  I want to have my own garden.  Am I crazy?  Absolutely!  Not only due to the time needed to tend the garden but also for the herd of deer that live in our neighborhood.  I haven't figured out how to keep out the deer, squirrels, woodchucks, skunks, opossums, and raccoons yet.  But with the way that this gosh-darn spring is going, I'll have PLENTY of time to think about it as I won't be able to plant anything for months yet.
• I've also forgotten what it's like to turn up the music in the kitchen, get a glass of wine and just dance to crazy music.  Finorah and I used to do it all the time.  I mean, hell... How could we forget this video?

 

Throwback Thursday -- June of last year

One of my favorite videos of all time

Postpartum Bumpdate: 6 weeks

 

So, here we are... Six weeks postpartum...  Still not there yet...  But I've come a long way, baby!  As evidenced by the photo below, which was taken the day before I delivered.

I have lost 29 pounds of my 47, which leaves me 18 pounds still to go.  Not too shabby.  Unfortunately, those 18 pounds sit square on my gut, hips, and ass.  And if anyone cares, those are the key places that used to fit into a pair of jeans.  I came to that HUGE revelation yesterday as I was trying on some pre-pregnancy jeans.  Talk about deflating.  I also realized yesterday that in my pre-pregnacy days, I was a hussy.  Why you might ask?  Because I actually wore jeans that fit me perfectly and snug to my body.  I don't own a single pair of pants that are a size bigger or a pair of pants that were baggy on me.  Therefore, yesterday at six and a half weeks postpartum, I had to wear a pair of maternity pants to my doctor's appointment.  (Womp, womp.  Enter sad trombone here.)  But as I keep reminding myself, it took 9 months to put ON the weight and I shouldn't be surprised if it takes 9 months to take OFF the weight. (Even though I'm secretly hoping that it will all be gone in the next six weeks...)

My weight loss is starting to pick up again, because I'm realizing that I can't eat like I'm pregnant anymore.  I've started logging my food in the My Fitness Pal app, just to help me realize how much crap I'm stuffing in my face during the day.  I have a mini-goal of losing another 2 pounds before my postpartum appointment with Emery next week.

I am also happy to report that my face appears to be coming back into it's own.  Everyone knows about pregnancy fat face, which I had in full effect at the end of my pregnancy.  And everyone knows about postpartum tired face.  In fact, the scientist told me during my hayday of tired face that I looked ten years older!  If bags under my eyes could have killed, he would have been stabbed 46 times in his un-dark-circled eyes.  Due to the fact that Fish is starting to sleep a little more at night, I'm able to not feel so exhausted during the day and the dark circles are starting to fade.  Hallelujah!

On a sad note?  My hair is starting to fall out.  My beautiful pregnancy hair is starting to end up in the shower drain and on my coat.  I'm thinking that to "celebrate", I need to make a hair appointment have a trim and a color.  I've had my natural hair color for the last three years and I think it's time for a rejuvenation...  And maybe I should throw in a pedicure and a massage while I'm being selfish... 

Returning from hiatus...

Two trailer park girls go 'round the outside...  'Round the outside... 'Round the outside...

So I've been gone for a while.  Long enough to grow a baby, gain 47 pounds and pop that baby out.  And that baby literally popped out!  But now I'm back (hopefully to stay).

This post is going to be short and sweet -- as I have a screaming baby in the background.  But just to reiterate regarding the title of the blog -- nobody died.  It's a play on words.  I sometimes classify myself as a widow because the Scientist works some pretty long hours that makes me feel like a widow sometimes.

This place is going to be more about my stories, a place to find myself back after being stretched and pulled by two little bundles of snot, poop and joy.  My stupid humor.  My silly adventures.  And a place to be held accountable for my myriad of goals, which we'll dig into later in the week.

BumpDate: 14 weeks

So, here we are... 14 weeks, officially entering into the second trimester.  We announced earlier this week, once I had notified my parents this past weekend, my brother's family and my best friend/honorary sister.  Then the photo from the previous post was posted to FaceBook.  I got three calls from my family within 10 minutes of each other.  So I had proceeded to shock those who had no idea.

That's the nice thing about living far away from family.  You can hide your stomach as much as you need while video-chatting or only posting photos of yourself where you don't look pregnant.  But that's probably the only nice thing.  I have one person left to notify before the entire cat is out of the bag -- the doctor that I work with.  I have plans on notifying him this afternoon.  If anyone hears a huge explosion at some point this afternoon, it's his head 'sploding from his mind being blown by having his only two coordinators being pregnant at the same time.  Honestly, I don't know how he doesn't know.  This stomach isn't in hiding -- if he seriously doesn't know, he must think that I'm a fat cow.

Being that I've entered into the second trimester, I'm waiting for my first trimester symptoms to go away.  I'm over the nauseous, like seriously OVER IT.  I want to enter into the trimester where I don't just want toast for dinner or don't even want to cook dinner for The Lady because I can't stand the thought of having to eat whatever it is that I'm making for her.

Over the weekend, we also found out that it's a boy.  The Scientist is, of course, over the moon.  I am still trying to pinch myself in hopes of waking up from a bad dream.  I didn't want a boy, but I didn't think I would be this disappointed about hearing the news that it was a boy.  I had just dreams about two girls, sisters, and all the great things that we would do together.  But as is the saying of my life... "You can't always get what you want -- but if you try sometimes, you just might find that you get what you need."  I have no doubt that once I meet little "Fish & Chips" that I'm going to love him over and over and over.  I think that most of my disappointment right now is grieving the other daughter that I'll never have.

I also found out yesterday that I am CMV negative.  What is that, you ask?  It's a herpes virus and with The Scientist being a Scientist, he knows viruses -- and it's a terrible virus if you catch it while pregnant as it can cause some major birth defects in the unborn.  Apparently, because I have a hot zone of a CMV contractor in The Lady (who is the perfect age to acquire it at daycare), I am no longer allowed to kiss her (save on her head or forehead), I can't wipe her boogers with my finger (which I absolutely LOVE doing), I can't share utensils or drinking cups with her, and I have to thoroughly wash my hands after each dirty diaper (which I've been doing -- most of the times anyways).  The thing that broke my heart yesterday was the fact that I couldn't kiss her on her cheeks or lips anymore (at least until Fish & Chips arrives).  I cried quite a while over that.  Crazy hormonal pregnant lady...

Speaking of ladies, she likes to take self portraits on my phone -- although she doesn't realize that she is actually taking her photo.  I totally "heart" them.