Okay, it's no secret that I absolutely LOVE me some Van Morrison (and this happens to be one of my top 6 Van Morrison songs). But this seems to be my life right now. I think that I really enjoy being a SAHM. But there are days when I don't know if it's the right thing for the kids. Crazy? Maybe.
I had such big dreams and aspirations on how our days were going to look. Wanna know what I say about that? Ha! I know that Finn & Fish love staying home with their mom. But there are days where I don't know if I'm the best thing for them. Let me explain...
Finn came from a daycare where she had constant interaction with other kids her age. They said at daycare that she was a pretty quiet girl who always did what was asked of her. That is SOOOO not the kid that is with me right now. She struggles with me daily. I'm the heavy and tell her "no" a lot of the time. There are struggles for candy before noon. There are struggles for nap time (in fact, today it took us almost 90 minutes for her to fall asleep). I want to be the free-lovin' hippie mom that I had envisioned before getting knee deep into diapers and toddler tantrums. I actually had the thought today that if my manager offers me my old/new position that I should jump at the chance so that Finn can get some routine back into her life.
Our house seems to be constantly in shambles. This is something that has been eluded to before -- I like a neat house. I know those that read this will just say that when you have kids, you can't have the tidy house that you would like. Well, I'm a SAHM -- I feel like I should have a tidy house because I have the extra time to make sure that my floors are clean and the dishes done. But holy shit, where does the day go? If the baby isn't crying, then the toddler is. I try to clean up here and there, but wow, this is exhausting. I don't think surviving the day is hard (although there have been a day or two where it seriously was a countdown to five o'clock somewhere and beer was cracked).
The scientist will come home and ask what we did all day and where we went. On the days where we didn't go anywhere, he said that Finn really needs to make friends. And then another day after being told that we didn't go anywhere, he said "Wow, you must be getting bored!" But the fact was it was the end of the week and my weekly chore list wasn't even half done. I don't get bored as there is always something to clean or someone crying.
And then there is the friend situation -- for me. I have realized that I'm quite excellent at making acquaintance, but quite terrible at making new friends. I don't like the awkwardness that is in the beginning. The "should I ask for her number"? "What is she says no or is only giving it to me because she feels obligated?" Let me tell you -- making mommy-friends is a lot like dating. If you are really looking for a relationship, it blows. But if you are just playing the field, it's a lot of fun. It started as playing the field, but now with the scientist's comment about Finn having friends, I feel like I need to find a relationship.
But I love being a SAHM. I know that I am trying my best and there are days where I just sit there and smile at my kids, knowing that I am truly lucky to be able to be home with them. I guess the whole meat of this post is that I'm beginning to question "am I doing this right by my kids?" Or would it be better if I made the $$ to keep them "at school" as we call it. I don't doubt that I'm a good mom and my patience has actually increased by leaps and bounds since being home with them. But I'm starting to feel really insecure about the fact that I don't have any friends who have babies or toddlers that I can socialize my kids with. I don't remember having playdates with other kids when I was little and I think that I turned out fine. But then again -- now that I think about it -- my neighbor was exactly my age and we were best friends growing up.
So I guess -- just one. That's all I need to find. Just a best friend for my little girl. And it wouldn't help if her mom was my kind of girl either. Sending positive vibes into the cosmos to send a cool mom-daughter-son trio my way. I have a big playset and beer on tap. Anyone? Anyone? :)